When Big Feelings Aren’t About Now: Understanding Disproportionate Emotional Responses.
It can be confusing when what you are feeling (or the way someone else is reacting) in response to a seemingly small incident seems far out of proportion to the situation at hand – especially when you notice this happening more frequently than you would like.
I’m talking about those moments when what is known to you rationally about the situation is that it, in reality, it really isn’t that big of a deal, but where you (or someone else) is seemingly feeling extremely anxious, or angry, or sad (or something else) in response. For the purposes of this post, I will assume that this response is being experienced by you – the reader – but this will also be provide insight if this is a response you are frequently on the receiving end of, as well.
Some people respond to this experience of big emotions by sweeping all the feeling under the rug because of their awareness that “this clearly doesn’t fit the situation.” Perhaps a lucky few of those will go on to chide themselves for being so dramatic: “Get over yourself! Why do you have to be so sensitive all the time?” Whereas other people might feel paralyzed by the intensity of the emotion – unable to respond to what’s actually happening here and now because the feelings are so strong – analyzing whether they have missed something – “if I feel this strongly – surely, there must be more going on here – with them, or with that; what am I missing?”
In both of these cases, it can be helpful to consider that the intensity of the feeling might have more to do with the past than the present. This awareness can be freeing in a few ways.
For the rug sweeper, if the strong emotion being felt is say, anger, they may be prone to assume something like they have “anger problems” because they are acutely aware that what happened in reality was minor but that the angry feeling was so strong, hence sweeping it under the rug (because, “how embarrassing,” right?). With this awareness, though, they are enabled to consider that there might be something more to this anger — something from the current-but-not-here-past, recent-past, or many years back-past, that needs attention and processing. In this instance, the anger might need redirecting but most definitely not ignoring. For this individual, an awareness that ‘this might not be about now,’ could open up a more compassionate way of relating to oneself, as well as invite a sense of relief that the intensity of feeling doesn’t have to mean something is ‘wrong’ with them.
By contrast if someone is caught analysing the here and now situation and the strong emotion is say, anxiety, they might otherwise assume something is really quite wrong in the here and now (when it may not actually be) – acting as a faulty alarm system of sorts. But with this perspective, they would be able to see that it may not actually be (about now), and thus, able to approach the situation at hand with a clearer head and with less suspicion and fear.
Maybe for those of us who relate to this experience of big emotions in response to seemingly minor inconveniences, we might do well to use the emotion as a signal to first be curious: is this feeling familiar in any way? Does it remind me of something? Of someone? A time in the past? A particularly difficult relationship – past or present? While it may sometimes actually be saying something about now (another topic for another day), it could also be telling us something quite important about our past that is in need of some processing. Whether that processing is with a friend or with a therapist, or some other helping professional might depend on the nature of to what and to where that emotion takes us back, or, if we are having difficulty making this distinction on our own.
Sometimes the best way to make sense of a disproportionate feeling is to look at and beyond it. For the rug sweeper it’s to pay attention and reflect before sweeping the feeling away – because this may not be about now at all. For the analyzer it’s to ask themselves whether this is really about now or if it’s about something else before making any assumptions about the person or the situation they are currently in. In both instances, in looking at as well as beyond, both individuals might find themselves freed up to direct their energies where it’s needed: to the reality of the here and now, as well as to unresolved wounds of the past that might actually benefit from some tender loving care.
